I would like to start off this post by saying something really tough like "but this time I was ready for it." in that manly growl that they use for action movie trailers. However I cannot. Here is the story.
I was having a lovely, if slightly groggy, shower. I was pleasantly surprised to find that my conditioner bottle was not empty, as it seemed like it was when I first picked it up. There is nothing worse than realizing your conditioner bottle is empty mid-shower. I am not exaggerating because I have curly hair and then it will be frizzy ALL DAY and that is quite literally the worst thing that could ever happen. Plus, it's really disappointing, and no one likes disappointment. Luckily I was not disappointed, I was feeling the extra level of happiness that comes when you start to feel disappointed about something and then realize that you don't have to! Everything will be fine! Your hair will not be frizzy! Or it will not be as frizzy as it could! It's all okay!
But it wasn't all okay. Right in that moment, I saw it through the shower curtain. A giant, killer bee. This time I saw it before I heard it, flying across my narrow view into the outside world. It immediately tried to get in the shower, but my reflexes were catlike and before it had time to even think of crossing that threshold I had dropped my conditioner bottle, whipped the shower head off the holder, and soaked it. Giant Killer Bee sputtered and dropped out of sight. I was so scared I almost started weeping in the shower. My inner monologue was somewhere between an angry tirade and a pathetic whimper: WHY is this happening to me? AGAIN!!??!! Did I ACTUALLY somehow awaken an army of vengeance-seeking giant killer bees? Will this happen every time I shower? How did it get in? TWO giant killer bees in my bathroom is no coincidence. Is there a nest? Is there a hole somewhere? WHY DO THEY ONLY COME IN WHEN I'M SHOWERING AND I'M SO VULNERABLE AND THERE AREN'T ANY WEAPONS IN HERE EXCEPT FOR WATER AND WHY DON'T THEY ATTACK MY ROOMMATES AS WELL I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!
As you can see, I was clearly scared out of my mind. Somewhere in that inner monologue the bee tried to get into my shower AGAIN, and I sprayed it back again, only confirming that yes, it is out to kill me. Or maybe attracted to the flowery smell of my shower products. But it's probably trying to kill me. After another sputtery drop from the bee, I peeked out of the shower and couldn't see it anywhere. There was no more buzzing. I nervously and speedily completed my shower, wondering what I would do when I was done and needed to exit said shower, not knowing the bees whereabouts.
All too quickly, I was forced to face this dreaded scenario: my shower was complete. I needed to move on with my day. I didn't know where the bee was. It was ON THE DOOR! THE ONLY MEANS OF ESCAPE! It really was a smart evil bee. I managed to get myself all dried off, while keeping the shower on just in case it came back at me so I would be armed with my only weapon, running water.
Then the question arose: how do I actually get out of here? I heard the pitter patter of roommate steps outside but there was nothing they could do because the bathroom door opens inside and then they would just push the bee towards me and who knows what could have happened then? I was on my own. I stood there wielding my running water-weapon, trying to figure out what to do (again, I'M SORRY PLANET!)
You will be very amazed with the bravery of my next step. After a few minutes it became clear that I could either stand here forever and wait for the bee to attack me, try to drown it and get the entire bathroom soaked, or try to sneak past it. The bee had not moved at all since I had finished my shower. I don't know why, and while the only logical assumption is that it was baiting me closer to kill me, I actually started to feel a little silly just standing there, staring at a bee. Plus, I had places to be. So I took action.
I made absolutely sure that my towel was wrapped around me tightly, as I wanted to avoid flashing Male Roomie, also known as Boyfriend of Other Roomie, at all costs should he be outside. I then reached tentatively to the door without stepping out of the shower (I'm serious when I say that my bathroom is tiny) and slowly and carefully opened the door. As soon as I got it open enough that my nemesis was facing the wall, I turned off the water, scurried out of the bathroom and closed the door behind me as gently as panic would allow.
Knowing it would be irresponsible and just plain mean to leave a Giant Killer Bee in the bathroom for an unsuspecting Roomie to stumble upon, I did the only honorable thing I could think of: I alerted the nearest Roomie as to the situation and then went to my room to get dressed and weep with relief whilst she took care of the bee.
Being much more calm and humane than I, she simply caught the bee in a jar and put it outside. Unfortunately I know that this means there is a bee out there with expert knowledge on how to infiltrate our defenses, to be communicated to the rest of the hive through that creepy direction-giving dance bees do. I may be in grave danger.
For people who want to learn, grow, get inspired, and stay silly.
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